35; I cry a lot but I am so Productive.

This month I celebrated my 35th birthday and I’ve never been happier. I had been asked by a colleague-turned-friend, Ashley Cooper, MSW to speak about my journey with identity following betrayal and I began reflecting. I had already been thinking about how much life had changed for me in the last seven years and how much I had personally grown during that time. 

I grew into new versions of myself from where I started in August of 2017. I think back to the versions of myself I had to be in the past and only have compassion for her as she got me to where I am now. Life is a journey, we are not perfect, but if we are willing to be vulnerable and open to growth, we can evolve into who we are meant to become. 

In the initial stages of finding myself again, I had to focus on healing the hurt and emotions after betrayal and other traumatic life events including losing my dog Miley to Cancer in the middle of recovering from the worst breakup of my life. I had to learn to make some kind of peace with it all (more like acceptance) and took time to identify the pain points and how they were impacting me. 

Even when I didn’t want to, I had to look at how childhood traumas were showing up in my adult life and impacted my thoughts about myself, the world, and how I was showing up. When I didn’t like who I was at work, in personal relationships, and with family, I made adjustments. I wanted to be more present in the relationships and people that were also supportive and loving for me. 

I learned that actions truly speak louder than words. I had been in so many situations where I gave others the benefit of the doubt even when every fiber in my being was telling me not to trust what the person was saying. I chose to believe the words of those who had repeatedly shown me they didn’t have my best interest in mind and continued to hurt me. I allowed a lot of it to happen. So now, instead of just hanging on to empty promises, I look for consistency, follow-through, and reciprocal relationships. 

I have patience for myself now. I used to believe that I needed to have it all together, whatever that meant. But as life happened and healing was required, I stopped putting that pressure on myself to be okay and just live in what was. Sometimes that meant sharing I wasn’t in a great headspace and I leaned on those I trusted and loved for support. We are all just trying our best at any given moment.

Sometime in early 2023, I was diagnosed with ADHD and decided to try a non-stimulant medication. I was nervous about the effect it would have on me, but it did nothing but clear all of the noise and chatter that was constantly running as a background noise my mind. I had a moment, I cried to be honest. It was the first time I realized all of the struggles I quietly kept to myself for all of my life were real. I wasn’t just “lazy” or any number of things I’ve heard over the years.

I often speak a lot about boundaries but it’s only because when I learned to make them and uphold them, ironically, I felt more free. It took me a while to realize how I moved and my actions reflected how I allowed others to treat me.

Someone coming back repeatedly into your life after hurting you each time is not love. It’s not romantic, it’s tiring and depleting. I’ve learned to prioritize myself which I have never really been able to do before and I LOVE it. 

Recently, I started doing things I think my inner child would have loved to do but couldn’t for one reason or another. I started going to events by myself and taking myself out on dates because I felt like I held myself back from doing things I was interested in by waiting for others to say yes to the invite.

None of that for me in 2024 or going forward; p.s. If anyone wants to throw an invite my way to something cool, I’m in my “Yes” era. 

My niece celebrated her birthday at a roller skating rink and I was confronted with an old childhood fear/wound. When I was in Girl Scouts we had an event at the same roller skating rink. At the time, I was heavily into rollerblading and my mom wasn’t sure if I was able to bring them to the rink or not. I was forced to use the roller skates and I was horrible. I kept falling and I was crying, mostly because I was embarrassed…we left early.

When my niece Facetimed me to tell me she was so excited to tell me it was a roller skating party. I was happy she was so enthusiastic but a part of me felt sad I wouldn’t be able to skate with her. My old perfectionistic tendencies kicked in and I started googling how to roller skate for beginners. I watched every Tiktok and Youtube video I could find. I was NOT going to embarrass my niece or myself again (I’m not a stand-on-the-sidelines kind of auntie, I like to play).

When the day arrived I was anxious and didn’t skate until almost the end of the party. I had made a secret vow to myself to at least try and go around the rink one time without falling. And I did! Then I did it two more times and was sad I hadn’t tried sooner! I healed a part of my inner child that day. 

I am so blessed to have so many wonderful family members, friends, and colleagues who have supported me, been my shoulders to cry on, and helped show how lovable and worthy I am at times when I coudn’t see it for myself. You know who you are, I love you. 

So as a therapist who formerly thought she had her shit together and then her world fell apart and then didn’t have her shit together for a long time, I’m telling you, it gets better. Not in a toxic positivity kind of way, you’re going to need to put in the work. But, in my opinion, it’s absolutely worth it. Start wherever you need to start. Small changes lead to big results in the end with consistency, patience, and effort. 

Seven years ago, I couldn’t imagine the person I’d be or the life I have now at 35. I am the happiest I have ever been and I know who I am and that is truly a gift. 

—

Alicia